The owner of Cabanas in the Garden reflects upon the trials, laughter, pains, and joys of raisingchildren, and gives us a little of the wisdom that she shares in her book Pantyhose Parenting.
Throughout the decades of my adult life the threads of faith, family, finances, and friends have been woven into a tapestry which has become the source of innumerable blessings for myself, for others, and for Heaven above. I’m not boasting about this because I frankly admit that I’m not the Weaver. Any blessings come from the One “from whom all blessings flow,” and I’m grateful to Him for giving me five of the greatest children in the world. Most of all, I give Him credit for blessing me with the best possible husband!
God has used my family to teach me lessons about life that I’m now able to share with others. Alan’s integrity, passion, and devotion to the God whom we both serve have often led me away from foolishness into wisdom. Each of my children, as well, has been the source of many of the lessons and insights that I’ve come to. They were my greatest teachers! They are my best friends!...

I’ve been permitted to live in this world as though I were a child being homeschooled at the feet of an infinitely wise and loving Parent. I’ve applied myself to my lessons. I’ve learned wonderful things about this world.

Pantyhose Parenting
Earlier this year I distilled some of my insights and lessons into a book called Pantyhose Parenting. The substance of the book was conveyed in the subtitle, “75 Common Sense Principles for Raising Kids.” Of course, the curious title was designed to attract the attention of readers, but it actually pointed towards a foundational principle of good parenting — and one not usually put into words: You have to pay the price to get the results from raising children.
Raising kids really does share similarities with wearing pantyhose — which I believe to be a product probably created by some misogynist with a grudge against women. At least in Northern California, women aren’t wearing these things much any more, but a decade ago a common theme in hen sessions was griping and complaining about putting on pantyhose. Nevertheless, we used to spend a lot of money each year buying these things, and then lying on our backs grunting and straining to put them on. We did this because we wanted to make a nice looking outfit look better. We put up with the aggravation because pantyhose helped us feel better about ourselves. So even though pantyhose made us uncomfortable, we put up with the pain for the sake of the payoff.
There’s nothing comfortable about raising kids. We could do wonderful things for ourselves instead of washing clothes, preparing meals, changing diapers, wiping snotty noses, disciplining, mediating conflicts, helping with homework…. None of that is fun or fulfilling, but we put up with the pain because of the payoff. We do it because if we raise them right our children will make us look better. They will make us feel better about ourselves. Much more than any payoff we get from pantyhose, our children will help us face death with the knowledge that we’ve made changes in the world that will live on after we’re gone.
The process of raising my children to healthy adulthood did not come about by accident, but was the result of deliberate and conscious decisions and commitments made every day over the course of my entire life, beginning when I was a young person. I’m no pediatric behavioral specialist and have no degree in child studies, but I’ve always had my eyes open to the world around me. From the time I was preparing for marriage until now, I’ve regarded life as being like a science project — one in which I could research to gain information about any particular challenge life was presenting, formulate a hypothesis about it, put the hypothesis to the test in deliberate action, and then either modify the hypothesis on the basis of the results or accept it as proven wisdom.
Through this deliberately reflective process I’ve learned how to do business, for example, and how to be a friend who is a friend indeed. I’ve especially learned how to create and maintain a home-life where my children could grow to be strong independent human beings, learning to take their unique place in the world, finding their purpose in serving God, and — the nicest part, perhaps, if not the most essential — becoming best friends with each other, and with us their parents.
The wisdom I’ve gained is transferable, and I’ve been getting the message of the principles for healthy happy family life out to anyone who will read my book or listen to one of my seminars. They used to say that “Charity begins at home,” but the fact is that a lot of things begin at home. Some modern parents seem to be ready to pass blame to schools, churches, media, society, and religious institutions rather than take responsibility for the impact that their own roles as parents have on their children. When things go wrong such parents lash out at anybody but themselves.
That kind of behavior is so deadly to any kind of intervention because if the parents have no fault in a matter, neither are they responsible for fixing the problem. I’m reinforcing the ultimately positive truth that we really can take responsibility for our children’s moral and spiritual development, as well as for their healthy physical development.
One of my greatest satisfactions is that we didn’t raise perfect children but raised them to love each other, love their parents, and love God above all else. We don’t demand perfection; the children don’t have to be perfect as long as they strive to do what is right.
There isn’t enough space in this article to touch upon even some the principles required for successfully raising children. They include such things as practicing financial responsibility, working through failures, cherishing diversity, etcetera. In the following section I’ll provide a brief sample of some of the information and stories from the book.