EDITORIAL [Department] It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on it #2 "I can expedite communication patterns by checking my assumptions against reality." April 2007

I mentioned last month that the title of this two-part article came from a man's answer on being questioned how a fire began in his mattress. His baffling response points to the difficult nature of communication.

The quality of our communication improves as we increase our internal awareness and then become able to speak clearly about the things that happen around us. We can imagine communication by breaking human experience down into three-parts:

A is an event

B is my perception

C is the results, consequences, and my responses.

Communication about any event can be expressed as A+B=C. In other words, (A) something happens in the world, (B) I make judgments and assessments about the event, and (C) I respond to it.

And then I communicate on the basis of whatever the three-part experience meant for me. To give a simple example:

(A) Mary Jane passes me in the hallway at work and fails to say "Hi."

(B) My perception is that Mary Jane doesn't like me.

(C) My feelings are hurt and I start to believe that Mary Jane is not a friendly person and I begin to have hard feelings towards her.

My whole attitude towards Mary Jane has been altered and I begin to speak to her in an aloof manner, and to say unfriendly things about her to people. My communication with and about Mary Jane sinks to a level that is helpful to no one.

Note that (B) is the part of the equation that I can most effectively change. If I can train myself to be more deliberate and conscious about the judgments and assessments I make about events, then the resulting communication will be more effective.

In the example, my belief that people who don't say "hello" in a warm fashion when passing in the hallway are unfriendly or even hostile is negatively affecting my communication and my feelings. By consciously examining that belief, I can free myself from the stress of necessarily interpreting Mary Jane's behavior in such a negative way.

I can expedite communication patterns by checking my assumptions against reality. I can act like a detective. Colombo would say, "Help me get this straight."

I could ask Mary Jane something like, "You seem distracted today; what's going on in your life?" Perhaps I can repair my perceptions about what happened in the hallway and thus improve communications with her. For example, maybe I'll learn that she just found out her dad had cancer or that her son is doing drugs.

Another way of managing perception is by taking control of my communication filters. Everything that Mary Jane says to me comes through perceptual filters involving such things as whether I regard her as friend or enemy; wise or stupid; mature or childish. My judgment of her will color my interpretation of every communication the two of us have.

Since any attitude I have towards Mary Jane as stupid, childish, or as an enemy will prevent the two of us from being able to communicate effectively with each other, I'm going to take control of my perceptions and deliberately avoid those kinds of attitudes.

I can also have authentic communication with Mary Jane by avoiding unhelpful patterns of criticism and argumentation, such as using "You" statements.

"You said this!" "You did that!" And a particularly unhelpful one, "You always say/do that!"

These "You" sentences never do the slightest bit of good! In fact, they are excellent devices for hindering any actual exchange of ideas. Much more effective patterns of communication include "I ... ." messages.

Rather than saying, "You are a thoughtless person," for example, I might say to Mary Jane something like, "I felt hurt by your actions."

Nobody can very well contradict "I" messages. Mary Jane might respond with an ineffective "you" message - "You shouldn't have felt hurt" - But she can't deny the reality that, in fact, my feelings were hurt.

Another helpful communication technique is to avoid closed questions that can be answered "Yes" or "No."

If I ask Mary Jane "Are you okay?" she'll almost certainly say, "Yes" whatever the realities of drugs or illness might be in her life.

We can use open-ended questions to improve communications in all of our relationships. If you're talking to your child don't ask, "Did you enjoy yourself at the party tonight?"

Instead ask something like,

"What part of this evening's activity did you enjoy the most?"

Such open-ended questions invite engagement and increase the opportunity to connect with the person at a deeper level.

Effective communication can improve many parts of our lives. It's a big challenge, but by taking control of our perceptions and managing them in helpful ways, we can establish positive and authentic relationships with the people around us.

Eileen Norton, Psy.D
925-354-7526
eileen@110mag.com