Roses from Ralph October 2006

by A. P. Stuart
Image by E. Elisseeva

Ralph was an ordinary man with an extraordinary opportunity. He had no idea his life would be changed forever by simply taking a walk along the pier one March afternoon.

A lovely day appeared to stretch before Ralph as he began to tie his brown paisley tie in a haphazard manner. His fingers twisted and yanked as he struggled with the Half-Windsor Knot. He dressed in his finest tailored outfit; a vintage navy blue pinstriped suit, complete with pleats, black suspenders, and matching lapels. His hair was combed in a neat side part and pasted to his head. He didn’t have to hide any nicks from shaving with little torn pieces of toilet paper for a change. Granted, he was no Prince Charming, but by golly, he was a good Jewish boy and he was going to be the epitome of greatness today.

Kim lived in the apartment next door to Ralph. She was an eccentric live-wire with an affinity for flare. Her apartment was adorned with bright orange and red polka dotted wallpaper that lined the living room and adjacent kitchen. Her doorbell played a spicy rendition of Get Off My Cloud by the Rolling Stones, and her carrot colored hair twisted itself like wire down her back in a disorganized braid that reached her waist.

Ralph made it a habit to be a part of Kim’s life in the only way he knew how. Each morning he would listen for Kim’s television as it blasted some quirky talk show in which only high pitch screeches and the occasional applause could be heard through the thin walls. He delighted in this sound. In fact, Ralph would find himself meticulously tuning the dial on his own 1950 Regal television set, with his ear pressed firmly against the wall in order to find the show she was watching.

Kim and Ralph routinely happened upon each other while checking mail in the downstairs lobby. Their encounters typically began by Ralph crushing himself between Kim and the wall next to his mailbox, bumping her elbow as he wedged his hand into the box’s small recess. Kim would turn her head with a peculiar grin on her face and say to him, “If only life had a more inventive means for making acquaintances between two strangers.” The average person would have taken this as an invitation to introduce one’s self. However, Ralph would simply remove his arm sheepishly while blushing, fingers trembling like an earthquake, and then quickly exit stage left. It was a sad fact that in five years of living in the same apartment complex as Kim, Ralph had never spoken a single word to her.

That is until one March when Ralph went down to the wharf for a walk. He fiddled with a business card in his pocket that he had found a few weeks back after Kim had dropped it while checking her mail. He thought little about the card until now since he rarely visited the wharf. The card belonged to one Madam Azaria “Medium Extraordinaire.” Ralph decided, since he was in the area, to receive a spiritual reading from her. Ralph didn’t normally believe in such nonsense but he thought to himself as he passed by the shop that a person with such a lovely Hebrew name couldn’t possibly misguide him. He entered the reading room, which was ornamented in gold pendants, globes, and flowing curtains, and took his seat on a plum colored French, Regence-style chair with a velvet seat-back and matching seat.

Ralph’s palms were clammy with anticipation as Madam Azaria, decorated in a bright red bustier and patchwork skirt, sauntered through the door to join him. Her smile was incomplete since she was missing two incisors from her upper row of teeth – but her eyes were warm. She immediately grabbed his hands, flipped them palm side up, and began the most curious reading.

“Da’ling, you are far too young to live in such solitude.” She stated. Ralph looked at her with interest. “How so?” he asked.

“Well…” she began with an exaggerated sigh, “your solitary life in that cramped apartment is keeping you from your dear one…” Now Ralph’s interest was piqued.

He spoke hesitantly, “Um, Madam. Can you tell me how to remedy this situation? I…I love…have loved her for five years…”

“Certainly,” she replied. “Next Saturday, when you awake, pull your nicest clothes out, dress yourself all dapper in your finest suit and do as I say.” She shook her finger at him, “Open your living room window, throw out three yellow, long-stemmed roses then go down to the corner pet store. Purchase some grey mice and put them in a satchel.”

Ralph winced. “Now don’t look at me that way young man. I know what I’m talking about. After you purchase the mice, return to your apartment. Wait until 12:30, go to her apartment, knock on her door, and when she approaches, hand her the satchel.” She released his hands.

“…and?” Ralph inquired. “And that is all, dear. Don’t fret; this is the key to her heart.”

Strange as it sounded, Ralph thought it couldn’t set him any further behind than his current technique. He set off with eagerness in his step, he even bounced a little; in fact, his step had so much spring he literally hopped out of his chair and stumbled out the door in classic Charlie Chaplin style.

When Ralph awoke on the day of his big chance, he showered, dressed, and walking over to his refrigerator, he lifted out the three yellow flowers he purchased. The only problem, thought Ralph, was that it was so late by the time he got off work the evening before that the florists were closed. So, he was forced to go down to the grocery mart and purchase the only yellow flowers they had which were simply carnations. He was deeply concerned that his inability to get roses would change his fate.

Ralph propped open his window, letting in the cool winter breeze and dropped out the three flowers. He poked his head out the window to see if anyone was nearby. But the street was empty. He shook his head, snapped his fingers as if to say “shucks” and shut the window.

Ralph then went down to the pet store, as instructed, and purchased the mice. He wasn’t fond of anyhting that liked cheese. How could anyone trust a food that was edible after growing mold?

As he walked back to the apartment he had an urge to peek into the sack to observe the inquisitive little critters. Upon opening the bag he tripped and fell to his knees. The bag seemed to float up through the air as Ralph’s body continued its downward course. His hand missed the bag as it plummeted to the ground. Passersby on the sidewalk immediately began to scatter uttering yells and screeches. Ralph frantically scrambled along the sidewalk on all fours attempting to collect the mice, trying to avoid spots of chewed gum, pigeon droppings, and the occasional spit wad. His hands were soiled by the time he had captured the small creatures and returned them to the satchel. He wiped the grime from his palms on the sides of his slacks and continued on his way.

Ralph approached the doors to his apartment building and suddenly felt queasy as he realized in just a half hour he was going to be face to face with the girl of his dreams. He suddenly felt as though his legs turned to Jell-O. He shook off his nerves like a dog shaking off water and started up the stairwell towards his third floor apartment.

Once in his apartment Ralph paced back and forth, up and down the runner that lay between his couch and coffee table. His brow was beaded with sweat. He glanced down at his watch every 60 seconds until the small hand finally reached the 30 after mark. In a flushed flurry, he picked up the bag of mice and started for Kim’s apartment. He thought he could hear rustling from within so he took a deep breath and hesitated before knocking on the door. No sooner had he finished knocking then he bolted back into his apartment, slamming the door behind him, drowning out the sound of Kim’s apartment door being opened.

Ralph slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand and rested the back of his head against the door. He knew he absolutely had to follow through. So, he mustered up sufficient courage to go next door and knock on his neighbor’s door. As the door opened a crack he could see a pair of green eyes peer around the corner at him and then Kim swung the door wider. Ralph’s heart leaped like trained fleas in a circus. He gulped loudly and handed Kim the satchel. She retrieved the bag with an ear-to-ear smile on her face. As she peered into the satchel her eyes widened with glee and she threw her arms around Ralph’s neck, planting a moist kiss on his left cheek.

Ralph asked as she backed up, “Um…the mice…they don’t confuse you?”

Kim paused with a slight smirk on her mouth and replied, “No, my sister told me you’d come.”

Ralph thought back to his reading, “Do you mind telling me your sister’s name?”

“Azaria,” she exclaimed. And suddenly, Ralph understood. His chance meeting with Madam Azaria was no chance meeting at all.

Ralph and Kim began talking over chamomile tea while they laughed at the memories of Ralph’s half-hearted attempts he had made over the years. He found himself amused when Kim told him of the premeditated dropping of her sister’s card one afternoon in hopes that he would pick it up and visit her sister who would give him some obscure instructions so they could finally meet. The roses were to indicate to Kim when she got home at lunch that Ralph would be coming over at 12:30 that afternoon.

“But why the mice, Kim,” asked Ralph?

Kim thought of her reply and responded, “Any man that comes into my life must also love Butch.”

“And Butch would be,” inquired Ralph.

“My beloved four foot corn snake of course!” Kim winked her eye and crinkled her nose at Ralph as she set her teacup on the coffee table.

“And here I thought it was all about the roses,” said Ralph.°